- Must not be easy to hear or understand while speaking to the passengers. Horrible jokes and way too much information about the flight are a plus.
- Must remind everyone on the plane that you know they have a choice when they fly. They sometimes forget.
- Must refer to all mechanical issues, or any issues for that matter, as a “slight delay”. Seriously, even if the wing is falling off, just follow this protocol.
- Must understand what the majority of the screens, dials, and nobs on the control panel do or mean. No one knows all of them, so just do your best.
- Must be able to walk around the airplane in full view of the passengers in the terminal. We know you don’t have a clue what to look for or what to do if you should find something. This is mainly for show and to provide a bit of comfort to our passengers. Look professional, you’re not looking for your keys here; we hope.
- Must be able to explain that the “fasten seat belt” sign does not mean your passengers have to stay seated. I, I mean some people might not understand this. Accidents may happen.
- Must not drink a lot on the job. Know your limits. Besides, we have never seen any signs about drinking and flying. Just don’t get pulled over on your way to the airport.
- Must be able to make critical decisions like whether or not a person should continue lying on the ground or go to the hospital.
- Must not get in an accident, obviously. Who will come get you? Honestly.
- Must be able to weave in and out of traffic, run red lights, and press the ‘dirty honk’ alarm when people don’t move out of your way.
- Must be able to determine if someone is alive, dieing, or dead. Doctors will be admit about this information, so make sure you get it right because you will be asked.
- Must not self administer saline solution the morning after a long night of drinking. This is not an acceptable practice. Saline solution should be administered before sleeping after a long night of drinking for best results.
- Must not attempt to revive road kill. You are being hired to revive humans and occasionally pull a rubber ball out of a choking dog’s mouth, but that’s as far as it goes.
- Must be comfortable with seeing naked people having sex. We know you’re taking this job because it’s the closest you’ll ever come, so try to act like you’ve been in the end zone before.
- Must not attempt to engage in any sexual acts with any of the “actors” on set. If you do this, you will be removed from the set immediately after being ass rammed by the biggest blackest male “actor” we can find.
- Must be comfortable if bodily fluids end up on your persons.
- Must not let bodily fluid projectiles affect the camera shot. This is especially important for the money shot.
- You will be responsible for equipment knocked over by your boner.
- Must not perform any services other than camera work. This includes, but is not limited to, cleaning up seminal fluid off the “actor’s” face, breast, vagina, balls, shaft, or butt hole with your tongue or any other part of your body and/or device. Seriously, if I had a nickle.
- Must not ask the seminal cleanup crew for assistance with the four or five “accidents” you had during the shoot.
- Must be able to talk. We don’t have any sign language phones.
- Never accept blame. This is YOUR company, YOUR product, and YOUR job. Don’t take their higher than thou “customer is always right” bullshit.
- If asked, YOU are the manager. Just tell them that one of your reps called off sick and you’re filling in last minute. They’ll be so impressed they will forget about what they were calling you for.
- Must always ask the customer for their ridiculously long account number even though they typed it into their phone and it appears on your computer screen. You know, just to verify.
- Must occasionally speak with a very thick Indian accent.
- Must never admit you don’t know an answer; alternatively, tell the customer to call another department and provide them with one of the other 800 numbers. Rarely will that person be directed back to you.
- Must understand that recording calls for quality assurance is bullshit. We record them so we can play them during the company Christmas party.
- Must use the hold button frequently. It’s there for a reason. You need a coke? Please hold.
- Must be capable of being really really shady. This is your identity. Know your role as the creepy shady drug guy.
- Must not sell drugs to undercover cops. This SHOULD go without saying, but we can’t tell you how many times this happens. If I had a nickle.
- Must understand that bullets in your skin, aids, knifes to the face, and other such things are all occupational hazards, however do not warrant additional hazard pay.
- Must never expose the identity of your supplier. The last guy that did this is no longer a guy.
- Must not sell on another dealer’s turf unless you can handle the retaliation. Don’t come crying to HR when someone slits your throat because you’re taking their best customers.
- Must not use your own stash.
- Must not use your own stash.
- Ok, we know you’re going to use your own stash, but please try to sell most of it.
- You used the entire stash didn’t you? Well we’re going to have to let you go, but at least you’re now one of our clients.
- Must be able to ignore everything the customer says. Did you spend 15 minutes in a 2 hour class to take shit from some Dad that want’s his kiddy porn? No.
- Must be able to check/charge for spam, malware, and temp file buildup. If you don’t know what this REALLY is, then you’re used to paying for this service and probably are not ready for this job.
- If anyone asks what the problem was, tell them it took hours upon hours of “tech time”. This equals about 90 million hours of real time and people will be much more likely to pay hundreds of dollars if you use these terms.
- No matter what, reformat.
- Seriously, even if they need just a new power cord replacement, make sure you reformat that hard drive. This is the first step in tech support. You know this is true. Learn it. Love it. Do it.
- The techs are always right. If a customer fights a tech’s diagnosis, they are just hostile and should be removed from the store without their computer.
- Prior to wiping a hard drive, do a thorough search for jpeg files. We want to improve our collection of amateur porn. And last time I checked, our collection wasn’t going to build itself.
- Make up shit. No one has a clue. “Yeah, youre flim bob connector was all trackulated.” See how easy that was?
- Must understand you will see some of the most fucked up teeth ever. We’re talking black and almost falling out.
- Bad breath is an occupational hazard. Most of our dentists seem to get off on it, so if you don’t like poop breath, check the classifieds.
- Must never do anything weird/dirty/sexual to patients while they are under.
- If you must do anything weird/dirty/sexual to patients, please make sure the patients can’t and don’t find out about it; we don’t need to be sued, again.
- If the patients are really hot, i.e. girls with nice boobs, please take photos. You know, for their “teeth file”.
- Must have a hot dental assistant. There are no exceptions. If you are a girl dentist, you cannot have a hot boy dental assistant. You must also have a hot girl assistant.
- Telling the patient to raise their hand when it hurts is an acceptable practice of determining their level of pain. When they raise their hand, tell them that you’re sorry and it’s almost over.
- Always lie about the level of pain. This includes any time there won’t be pain, you should of course follow the general rule of lying.
- Making gums bleed should be your primary goal. When they bleed, you should inquire the patient about their flossing habits. Scold them for not flossing every minute of every day.
- Never explain anything. Always get testy when anyone wants to know what you’re about to do. Are they dentists? Did they fail out of medical school and re-try to dental school to only barely pass? I didn’t think so Shut them right up with a stiff poke to the gum.
- If you are a man, you are in the wrong profession.
- Even if you are a man with the emotional safety net of a high MCAT score, you’re still not a Focker. This isn’t the movies, and you are still a male nurse. What’s the matter with you?
- So you’re a man, and you STILL think this is the profession for you. Well, you must accept, without prejudice, the same treatment the female nurses receive. Sometimes, but not always, you’ll have to perform the same sexual acts. Yes, on male doctors. Very few female doctors have a vagina, so don’t think you’re getting off easy.
- Yes cleaning up a bed pans IS that bad. Get used to it sister, this makes up 90% of the job.
- Must not get jealous when a hot candy striper is taken into an empty room by your favorite doctor. Unless it turns into a naked nurse vs. candy striper with KY-jelly fight. In that case, page us.
- MC dreamy does not work here; so don’t ask.
- Must be able to administer the official “what you should be when you grow up based on these 25 questions” computer exam. You are not responsible for interpreting the results.
- If you so choose to interpret the results, we are not responsible for helping you explain why the class clown or the smelly kid with a D average scored the most likely to become an astronaut.
- Must not be able to make any significant progress in assisting students with personal issues.
- Must not give any worthwhile advice regarding a students further education. You are permitted to encourage furthering education, but don’t try to do anything else.
- If any student forces you claiming their college of choice requires bla bla bla, just say you filled it out but just throw the empty form in your trash.
- Must be ok with parents calling in and blaming you for their child’s terrible experience with bullies.
- Must be able to “council” bullies, but this in no way, shape, or form should result in a reduction in the bully’s reign of terror on the students. We need to keep these kids in line somehow.
- Must be a product of a socially awkward upbringing.
- Must be able to bring personal problems to work and ensure the customers know you are pissed off.
- When in a good mood, you must be overly annoying and have a smart ass smirk on your face. At all times.
- It is mandatory that you forget at least 2.5 items for every 3 tables you sit. If you can’t figure out the math, just arbitrarily forget stuff or just don’t go back to certain tables. This seems to work our fairly well.
- Get used to being yelled at because it’s going to happen no matter how fucking chipper or nice you are.
- Must understand that customers are evil and they all hate you. You can do whatever disgusting thing you can think of to their food if any of them even looks at you cross. Fuck’em up.
- Must put up a hissy fit if you don’t get at least 15% tip. Ensure customer’s names go on the “customer’s that didn’t tip for shit and will get real human shit in their next meal” cork board.
- Must realize your life sucks but keep coming back because you have no where else to go.
- Don’t get fat. No one wants to eat food brought by a fat slobby gross yucky person. Yuck.
- Must be able to work for a manager named Blaze, or some retarded variation, and keep a straight face when asking for help or following instructions.
- Women: Mus be able to handle being offered sex, including threesomes. If this happens, accept the offer and locate your manager. He’ll know what to do.
- Men: Must be able to handle being offered sex by older, often gross, women. If this happens and you accept, don’t admit to anything.
