Business Jobs
Lawyer
- Must have previously graduated from law school and passed the bar exam.
- Must not worry if you were last in your class with the worst score on the bar. We have a name for that, lawyer. You're hired.
- Must know when to say "we'll see you in court." Sometimes new excited lawyers get confused and spout that out at wildly inappropriate times. And don't ever say that to a Judge. If I had a nickel.
- Must be able to say stuff like "I OBJECT!", "sidebar your Honor", and "the defense/prosecution rests". These are used a lot.
- During cross examination, be able to handle high powered military officials yelling "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" This happens more than you would think.
- During any meeting with the opposing side, know when it is appropriate to abruptly get up and say, "we're done here," "we're leaving," or "this meeting is over," and then leave.
- Must not actually chase an ambulance, but you can certainly follow at a safe distance and speed.
- Must be able to convince your paralegals to do 99% of your work at 1/16th the pay. Don't worry they're used to it.
- Must always instruct your client to cry whenever being cross examined. There is no such thing an inappropriate time to cry.
- Must stare intently at an object while the judge repeatedly says your name, each time increasing in volume. The judge will finally scream your name, which will get your attention. Ask for a recess. The judge will deny your motion. Take a quick drink of water then make your statement; if you don't have one prepared, wing it. When you're done the courtroom will break out in cheers and tears of joy. Take your client out because the trial is now over. You win.
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